The Voyage Home: a Time-Space Odyssey
by Cececat
Summary: Magenta, Riff Raff, and Columbia leave Earth in the castle... only for many random things to get in their way as they try to return to Transsexual Transylvania. (Please Read/Review!)
1. First Stop? Surrey (Pt 1)

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_**

 **A/N: So I've actually got some sane ideas for _this_ story. It will actually make sense (or so I hope). Anyway, it's sort of inspired by the BBC TV show _Doctor Who_. Though not really. Whatever. ****Hopefully people enjoy reading it!**

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As soon as the castle disappeared into space, the humans would think they'd gone. Doctor Scott's bureau of investigation would probably fire him if they found out about what had happened... e _specially_ what they'd all worn by the end of it. None of them would tell, Riff Raff knew.

Earth and its people were no longer a threat.

Now Riff Raff and his beloved sister stood in the castle's control room, with that odd Earthling pet of theirs. All they needed to do now was type in the co-ordinates of a certain area of _their_ homeplanet!

"So, my love, shall we return home?" Riff asked, though he knew that they'd be going home even if she said 'no' (not that she would say 'no').

Magenta nodded, smiling.

The two of them stood there in silence for a moment. Killing the Prince had

"What's wrong?" Columbia asked.

"Ion storm, blew us off course," Riff muttered.

Suddenly, the ship lurched dramatically.

Everyone was thrown to the floor. The castle shook wildly for a while, so the three of them just held onto to various things to keep from falling. Riff grabbed a hold of the console and put her arm around his sister (to keep her from falling), while Columbia clutched onto a railing near the console.

"What's _happening_?" Columbia shrieked.

By then, the castle had stopped moving. Though everyone was still a bit shaken – no pun intended.

"Ion storm, you idiotic Earthling," Riff said sullenly.

Nobody spoke for a while. Magenta was still in shock, Columbia didn't want to annoy anyone, and Riff was quite

"Good thing it's over," Columbia muttered, attempting to break the awkward silence.

"No. It's not really over yet. It caused damage to the controls somehow."

"Meaning?" Magenta asked.

Riff sighed. "Columbia. I know you'll interrupt me or something if I try to explain what's going on, so would you please go to your room?"

"But-"

"I'll tell you what's going on later," Magenta promised.

Still a bit, the girl went to her room.

"Darling? What's wrong?" Magenta whispered.

"I can't control where we travel to anymore. This stupid thing isn't working properly. See that panel there? Usually I'd key in a time and place I wanted us to be and we'd end up there. Now, when I press the 'enter' button, we could end up anywhere in time or space – even parallel universes – with this thing. It's because the control room is basically recycled. Usually only certain exploration ships have that feature. But you _know_ how the Queen is obsessed with reusing parts of old ships…"

"What do you mean?"

"I'm sorry, darling… but we might not ever make it home."

This was too much for Magenta. Never make it home? That wasn't right. No, he must be joking.

"We technically might have a chance of returning to Transsexual Transylvania. Of course, it might take years of trying. From what still works I'm sure I can just randomly set this thing and…"

Mags stared at him, tears running down her face. "And _hope_ that we'll end up? Is _that_ the best you can do?"

"Yes. I'm sorry."

The look on his face told her that this was serious. They might not see their beloved planet ever again. Ye Gods… he wasn't joking. Though it's not like he would joke about such things in the first place! Well, at least not to _her_ …

How could this happen? How could the universe be so stupid?

Still crying, she left the control room.

With a weary sigh, he clicked the 'enter' button. In a few minutes they'd be… _somewhere_.

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Magenta returned to her room. As expected, Columbia sat on her own bed reading a magazine. This was something she did far too often.

"Hiya, Mags," Columbia said without even looking up.

When her friend failed to respond, she _did_ look to see what was wrong. Magenta was crying almost hysterically from whatever Riff Raff had said. Now Columbia didn't want to know what was wrong with the ship.

"We're lost," Magenta whispered, after she calmed slightly. "We're not going home any time soon… or ever, probably."

Not sure what else to do, Columbia just let the poor woman cry. She knew how much Mags loved that planet she was from. Always talking about how lovely it was… especially the beaches, for some reason. And now she might not ever go back!

Columbia didn't know how that felt. She'd never liked her home, and never felt like she belonged anywhere specific. It was people, not places, which mattered to her. But she knew that wasn't how Magenta thought. Magenta loved that planet. So much of the time they'd spent together involved Mags telling Columbia all about the wonderful town she'd grown up in. It was called 'Ithaca' and was apparently very near a beach.

Soon after she'd returned to her room Magenta went to bed. Columbia did the same, since she too was very tired.

They'd had a _very_ long night.

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About five hours later they reached their first destination. Riff parked the castle, but didn't wake up his sister or her roommate. He wanted to do a bit of exploring before they'd actually need to interact with whatever – or whoever – lived here.

Dressed in some of the 'ordinary clothes' that Columbia had bought him, he exited the castle.

In this case 'ordinary clothes' means dark brown trousers, a button-down shirt, a jacket the same color as the trousers, and too-big shoes that he didn't really approve of.

To his annoyance, they appeared to be on Earth again.

Or, at least, a planet that _looks_ _like_ earth. Though he knew that many planets had green fields and a bright sun. Maybe if he could find one of the locals…

"Hullo," said a voice.

It was a human girl of about 10, wearing a very bright red coat (among other things). Her hair was reddish and curly – not unlike Magenta's – and her eyes hid somewhat by wire-framed glasses.

"Is you castle a TARDIS?" she asked.

"What does _that_ mean?"

She giggled. "Oh, it's a thing from a Science Fiction Television Show. Mum says I shouldn't believe in the sorts of things. I try not to… but then your castle just appears out of nowhere!"

"It's not _my_ castle. It belongs to my government. And I really mustn't say anymore about it, or there'll be trouble. Go home now, girl."

The girl pouted. "My name isn't 'girl'. It's _Susan_! And I shan't go away until you explain the castle."

It was then he realized that he could use her to his advantage. She probably knew when and where they were…

"Susan, what year is it? And where are we?" he asked.

"So you _are_ a time traveler! It's 1986 and you're a few miles away from Guildford, Surrey. Er, and I think you landed your castle in somebody's farm…"

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 **Please Review!**


	2. First Stop? Surrey (Pt 2)

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_**

 **A/N: Yeah... this kinda started as a rip-off of the 5th season of the 2005 _Doctor Who_ reboot. Don't worry, it gets a bit more original now. Probably.**

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The castle was in the middle of somebody's farm? That was not good.

Though Riff had other things to worry about. For one thing, Susan was still there asking questions.

"Are you going to explain now? Who are you, why you're here…?"

"I think you'd better come inside," he said darkly.

Then he could have Columbia entertain this annoying creature. _And_ it would make it easier to hide her corpse if he had to kill her. Though that would be a bit extreme, since she hadn't actually done anything but annoy him half to death. At least she hadn't likened his appearance to that of an 'ugly bald vampire on drugs', which was something people in Denton had said…

"Is your house bigger on the inside?" she asked.

Riff Raff ignored this comment. It made no sense to him.

And so, the two of them entered the house. Susan was quite sad to see that the castle seemed _smaller_ on the inside. This was due to many bizarre artifacts that cluttered the place. Most were random little things that previous owners had collected whilst traveling.

Susan was fascinated by it all. There were lots of dusty old statues, a taxidermy vulture, dusty pictures in dusty frames… and so much more.

When Riff wasn't looking (i.e., the whole time) Susan snatched one small picture frame off of the table and hid it in her pocket. The picture in the frame was of a younger version of Prince Frank N. Further – at age 16, to be exact – in the most _glamorous_ drag he owned at the time. Of course, she didn't look at that picture until much later!

Riff Raff led the girl into the kitchen. It was down the hall from the ballroom and the most likely place for Magenta or Columbia to be. Of course, they weren't there yet.

But Riff was too busy trying to figure out what to do to care.

So he left her there.

That is the trouble with letting men who aren't fathers look after kids. They don't really understand how much trouble a bored child can cause. Good thing Columbia was getting up and would be downstairs soon. Though not yet.

Riff went right to his 'lab' at that point. There he could think of what to do. That's where he always did his best thinking, you see. It was a nice little room adjacent to Frank's lab/the late Rocky Horror's Room that could be accessed via a secret door.

As usual, Riff was working on a few 'hobby projects' at that point in time. Most of those sorts of projects involved things he wished existed. Like something that made it possible for Magenta to carry his child without severe birth defects that incest caused. Or other possible health problems involving his darling sister – though most involved her having a child. This slight obsession with his own sister's reproductive system was partly due to the time she'd gotten pregnant by him (when they were both quite young) and miscarried at four months.

He loved her too much and worried about her too much. It was both sweet and rather silly. Being the dramatic person he was – and a self-proclaimed Byronic Hero – he considered that weird fixation to be his fatal flaw.

After much thinking he decided to leave the planet right then and there. It would be the simplest thing. He wouldn't even need to tell the still-sleeping sister of his!

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Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Susan was _desperately_ in search of a snack. This silly house had no good food, it seemed!

Then she found a glorious food known as chocolate-chip cookies. They'd been bought by Columbia _ages_ ago, in an attempt to show Magenta the joy of cheap/packaged snack foods. They were also quite stale. Yet Susan still ate them greedily.

After she'd eaten nearly the entire box Columbia entered the room. The sight of the child sitting calmly on the floor and eating stale cookies really freaked her out.

"What the hel- _heck_ , I mean – are _you_?" the groupie shrieked.

Susan stared owlishly at Columbia, her eyes looking rather odd because of her glasses. "I am Susan, age eleven. And the sort of bald bloke brought me here because I begged and begged. Would you like a cookie?"

"No… I… you aren't supposed to be here. Good thing Frankie's gone, though I doubt he's into children…

"Who's Frankie?" Susan asked.

"He's this guy who I slept with all the time…" Columbia replied, so used to saying dirty things that she didn't truly realize what she'd said.

The phrase 'slept with' confused Susan for a while. Luckily, she'd never heard of it before. So she decided it was some sort of alien/time-traveler thing.

Columbia then led the girl (who still clutched the box of cookies) to the door. There, she smiled brightly in an attempt to cheer the kid up. It clearly didn't work, so she became serious again.

"You can't tell anyone about this, Susan," Columbia said sadly.

The child pouted. " _Aw_ , but-"

"If you tell, kiddo, something bad will happen. If you don't tell everything will be okay and we'll come visit you in a couple years."

Susan sighed. "Promise?"

"Promise," Columbia said, hoping it they would.

The Gods heard this and willed it to come true. They all liked Columbia. Yet it took many years (in Susan's timeline, at least) for such a thing to truly happen. You shall see later, dear readers.

And so, Susan went back to life as a boring 'normal person' – despite living in Guildford. The aliens and Columbia pressed that button again. They prayed that this time they'd be home. Or, if not, at least near enough to home for a friend/ally to come to their aid!

Though the Gods weren't really so happy with Riff – a _murderer_. Even a murderer who's motive was noble annoyed Them. So that wish of Susan's wouldn't come true any time soon merely because of the association with Riff Raff…

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 **A/N: hopefully the whole thing with 'the Gods' controlling the main character's fates isn't annoying. It's just that it's sort of supposed to be a _Rocky Horro_ r/Sci-Fi version of Homer's _The Odyssey.._. **

**Please Review!**


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